Fighting Fair: What does your Conflict Style say about your relationship?

Navigating conflict in relationships is not just inevitable. It's essential.

Every couple fights. In fact, not having disagreements can sometimes signal deeper, unspoken issues.

Disagreements can help couples understand each other’s needs, values, and boundaries more deeply. The real predictor of whether a couple will thrive isn’t whether they argue, but how.

Studies, including those from Dr. John Gottman, show that the way partners handle conflict is one of the strongest indicators of long-term relationship success. If you have ever wondered if your "style" of fighting is helping or hurting your connection, you’re not alone.

Let’s explore the most common conflict styles, how to identify them, and what they mean for your relationship.

Common Conflict Styles in Relationships

The Avoider (Withdrawer)

Avoiders tend to shy away from conflict altogether. They may feel anxious, overwhelmed or unsure of how to handle disagreement, so they protect themselves by stepping back rather than facing it head on.

For example, one partner might feel unhappy about plans that were made without their input but chooses not to voice their concerns to avoid an argument. While this style can create a calm atmosphere initially, it often leads to unresolved issues that can fester over time.

Avoiders may struggle to express their feelings and needs, which can leave their partners feeling frustrated and unheard. Research shows that nearly 70% of couples report feeling unheard during conflicts when one partner consistently avoids confrontation.

• What it looks like: Shutting down, leaving the room, going silent, or changing the subject.

  
  

• Impact: Partner gets left feeling stonewalled and dismissed. Issues get swept under the rug and go unresolved, so resentment builds over time.

  
  

• If this is you: Share openly with your partner that conflict feels overwhelming. Agree with your partner on "pause and return" moments, rather than disappearing all together.

  
  

• If this is your partner: Don't push them too hard in the moment. Respect their need for space, and schedule a cal time later to revisit the issue.

  
  

• Actionable Step: Start small and speak up about minor frustrations before they escalate. Try saying "I feel uncomfortable talking about this right now, but can we set up a time to discuss it later today?". Then follow through.

A woman raises her hands defensively, seeking to avoid conflict amidst an overwhelming and blurry environment.

The Attacker (Volatile)

Volatile fighters are passionate and expressive during conflicts. They engage in heated discussions and are not afraid to voice their opinions. Whilst The Attacker often comes from a place of transparency, authenticity, and deep care, their volatile fight style thrives on the emotional intensity of disagreements and it can be difficult for them to regulate and say calm.

For instance, a partner might leave a cup in the sink, and the Attacker will immediately raise their voice and accuse, saying "You never help around the house!". Whilst the frustration may be warranted, it is this early show to conflict that can leave the other Partner feeling attacked, anxious or like they need to tread on eggshells.

However, establishing boundaries is not only essential, but absolutely possible. When The Attacker can learn to regulate their emotions during a conflict, it can lead to a 25% increase in relationship satisfaction over time.

• What it looks like: Leading with blame or criticism, raising your voice, using words like “always” or “never,” and reacting impulsively.

  
  

• Impact: The partner on the receiving end often goes straight into defence mode, and fights can spiral quickly. Even legitimate concerns can get lost in the heat of the moment.

  
  

• If this is you: Notice how you start conversations when upset. Try pausing and naming your feelings first (“I feel frustrated because…”) rather than blaming your partner.

  
  

• If this is your partner: Stay grounded and avoid counterattacking. Reflect back what you hear and ask clarifying questions to help de-escalate the situation.

  
  

• Actionable Step: Take a brief pause before responding. Count to five or take a few deep breaths, then reframe your concern using an “I feel… because…” statement. This helps reduce escalation and invites a calmer, more productive discussion.

The Peacemaker (Validating)

The Peacemaker tends to approach conflicts with empathy and understanding, seeking to validate their partner's feelings, while expressing their own.

This style fosters open communication, allowing both partners to feel heard and respected. For example, one partner might say, "I understand you’re frustrated, and I feel that way too," which creates space for collaborative problem-solving.

Whilst Validators work to maintain harmony in the relationship and are skilled at finding common ground and working collaboratively to resolve issues, it can often manifest in over-accomodating, and letting things go without resolving the core issue.

• What it looks like: Tries to smooth things over quickly, often at their own expense. Says things like “It’s fine” or “Let’s just drop it”, even when it isn’t.

  
  

• Impact: Short-term calm, long-term disconnection. Needs are suppressed until they resurface as resentment.

  
  

• If this is you: Notice when you’re silencing yourself. It’s not selfish to express your needs; it’s essential for intimacy.

  
  

• If this is your partner: Encourage them to voice their feelings and validate them. Let them know it’s safe to speak up without escalating conflict.

  
  

• Actionable Step: Identify one small need or feeling to express in the next conversation, using an “I need…” or “I feel…” statement.

A couple shares a reassuring moment, holding hands as they enjoy a peaceful stroll through the woods.

The Defender (Hostile)

Defenders often approach conflict by protecting themselves from blame. They may respond with justifications, counterarguments, or denial rather than engaging with the issue. While this style can help them feel safe in the moment, it often prevents real resolution and can leave both partners feeling unheard or stuck.

For example, one partner might point out that they felt ignored during a social event. A Defender might respond, “I only acted that way because you didn’t tell me what you wanted,” immediately deflecting responsibility. While this explains their perspective, it can make the other partner feel dismissed and escalate tension.

Defenders may struggle to fully hear feedback without immediately defending themselves, which can leave their partners frustrated and disconnected.

• What it looks like: Justifying actions, counterattacking, denying responsibility, or shifting blame. Often responds to criticism with explanations rather than listening.

  
  

• Impact: Conversations get derailed into debates over who’s “right,” and the original concern can get lost. Partners may feel frustrated, unheard, or emotionally disconnected.

  
  

• If this is you: Practice listening first without preparing a defence. Focus on understanding your partner’s feelings before explaining your perspective.

  
  

• If this is your partner: Give them space to respond without immediately reacting. Encourage calm, open discussion and validate their perspective to reduce defensiveness.

  
  

• Actionable Step: Repeat back what your partner said in your own words before offering an explanation. This ensures you understand their concern and can respond thoughtfully, rather than reflexively defending yourself.

The Repairer (Bridge-Builder)

The Repairer is the partner who actively works to keep the connection alive, even in the midst of conflict.

For example, the Partner responsible for finances may have forgotten to pay a joint bill, resulting in a late fee. The Repairer would calmly express their feelings without laying blame, and offer a collaborative solution to ensure it doesn't happen again. They may say something like "I noticed the electricity bill was paid late, I was a bit worried as it is connected to my name. Let's sit down and figure out a system together so it doesn't happen again".

Rather than letting arguments escalate, they actively de-escalate tension, maintain emotional safety, and steer the conversation back to understanding and connection.

• What it looks like: Uses gentle humour, reassurance, or affection to de-escalate conflict. Takes responsibility where possible and steers the conversation back to connection. Often stays calm even when tensions rise.

• Impact: Even difficult disagreements feel manageable because both partners know the bond is intact. The Repairer helps prevent escalation and models emotional safety for their partner.

• If this is you: Keep it up. Your calm, intentional approach encourages connection and shows that disagreements don’t have to threaten the relationship.

• If this is your partner: Notice and appreciate their efforts to repair. Respond warmly, acknowledge their gestures, and engage constructively to reinforce safety and trust.

• Actionable Step: After a tense discussion, make one deliberate repair attempt — for example, a reassuring comment, gentle touch, or “I love you” — to reset emotional connection and remind your partner the relationship is secure.

Identifying Your Style (and Your Partner’s)

Even if you or your partner naturally fall into a more destructive conflict style, remember that these patterns aren’t fixed. Thanks to factors like neuroplasticity, the distinction between skills and traits, and attachment flexibility, it’s possible to unlearn old habits and develop healthier ways of relating over time. Ask yourselves these questions:

• Do you tend to avoid conflict, or do you confront it head-on?

• How do you express your feelings during a disagreement?

• Are you more likely to validate your partner’s feelings or become defensive?

  
  

Discussing these questions together can provide insight into your individual styles and how they interact.

At Syné Collective, our team of Gottman-trained Couples Therapists can help you navigate these discussions.

Therapy isn't just for couples on the brink of divorce or navigating periods of conflict; it can be a proactive way to deepen your understanding of one another.

When tough times arise, having a solid foundation will help your relationship withstand the storm.

The Impact of Conflict Styles on Relationship Health

Understanding your conflict style is crucial for your relationship's overall health. The way you handle disagreements can either strengthen your bond or create distance between you and your partner.

Healthy conflict resolution fosters intimacy and trust, while poor patterns can lead to resentment and disconnection. Notably, couples who engage in constructive conflict are more likely to experience relationship satisfaction and longevity.

A study showed that couples who communicate effectively, reframing conflict as a collaborative effort, are more than 30% happier in their relationships (Journal of Positive Psychology).

By learning to fight fair, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and connection.

Can you learn to be a Repairer?

Even if you naturally lean toward being hostile, defensive, over-accomodating or avoidant, it’s possible to develop more Repairer-style behaviours. Conflict style isn’t fixed — it’s a set of skills you can practice.

Start by noticing your triggers, pausing before reacting, using “I” statements, and making small repair attempts like a reassuring comment, gentle touch, or humour after a fight or a tense discussion.

Over time, these habits can reduce escalation and strengthen connection.

Couple's Therapy is another useful tool to explore these patterns, better understand you and your partners' fight styles and implement Repairer strategies in real life. If this resonates, our therapists at Syné Collective work with couples to strengthen connection and communication. Book a session here.

A silhouetted couple enjoys a romantic sunset bike ride, holding hands as they pedal through a serene wheat field.

Conflict doesn’t have to weaken your relationship — in fact, it can be an opportunity to grow closer. By recognising your own and your partner’s conflict styles, practising constructive communication, and leaning into habits that foster understanding, you can transform disagreements into moments of connection.

Every couple has the capacity to learn, adapt, and respond in healthier ways, and sometimes a little guidance from a trained therapist can help you get there faster. At Synè Collective, we support couples in Sydney in building stronger, more resilient relationships — because every disagreement can be a step toward deeper intimacy.